As was to be expected a new life comes with all kinds of expectations, iterations of the old one and definitely surprises. I am not really one for surprises, so I try to anticipate everything. Yet everything will often present itself concurrently or just seems to choose the same convergence for need of attention. As such I try to tackle them, by assigning priority. And yes, there’s oversight. I try to find joy in my vices, as they are human(e).

One of those vices is my lack of energy. I’ve been experiencing that almost all my life. Partly because of my perception of the world, from an autism point of view. You should know that for me, but probably for autism in general, this has effect on the ability to be sensitive to group behaviour by way of feelings. To compensate for that is not easy. I do have one way to feel my ‘errors’, which is shame and embarrassment. Yet, a feeling like that gives negative feed back. Negative feed backs aren’t very constructive in the long run if there’s no positive counterpart. I do feel little encouragements that way. There’s no real positive feel for goals reached and projects finished. Exacerbated by the fact that I find difficulty in reaching conclusions of finality other than ‘acceptable’ at this stage.

As such I do still have many unfinished projects in my new home, but also for building up my new life in Groesbeek. I am creating new ‘networks’ of knowing people, but acting on them often makes me feel like imposing on others. (Did I mention not having feelings for the effects of group behavioural activity? ;-)) I know I can be perceived as either ‘too much’ or ‘too insignificant’ and there’s little in between. So, either have to meet with kindred spirits or put myself in situations where people are in need of my services, without empowering them too much, so they can abuse my good will.

I joined the local ‘Repair Café’ as I do like to tinker with stuff, and it creates a situation where I don’t need to have all the answers, but go on a journey to find them, together with the person wanting my help. Sadly it’s not something giving much temporal structure for it happens to be once a month.

I also decided to really be active for BIJ1 which is a political movement and party for justice in equality and equity on all levels. In my blog I’ve put forward some thoughts on more particular events or situation in life and for societal proportions, but I think the core problem to be how we go about valuing legal entities and legal persons. Nowadays we seem to measure them by their competitive worth. If someone or a representation of some group has reached goals generally seen as really active, virtuous and valuable they receive more trust than someone in need of support and marginalised.

My own path

I am personally engaged from a logical point of view, where I know to be communicating with people who experience this by sensations, feel, narratives and personal situations. Don’t get me wrong, I do have the same less fortunate experiences, but as a matter of feeling I can’t be bothered much. However, I do care for their feelings in my way. Hardship should meet with compassion and by people being concerned about it. Not necessarily with solutions, but being willing to help if one can when needed and if possible. Again… this is something where both parties should be considerate. This builds trust. Do not pull, but show the tether. No quid pro quo, for it’s a form of aggression.

Passiveness is not necessarily a lack of support, but not being open to others is. Just as support and care isn’t about keeping others safe, but creating an environment where people can be safe. There’s a difference. It’s about empowering others. And just like that, one shouldn’t decide on or profile people’s characteristics, but give them room to fill in the blanks themselves. Yet, currently we’re creating ‘support systems’ doing exactly the opposite. We’re putting in place algorithms deciding by way of iterative statistics who’s who and why. As a scientist I’ve got one rule… do not use statistics the other way around. It doesn’t work that way. Besides… it’s discriminatory and takes away responsibility for the person wielding such a tool.

That said, I am trying to create my own safe space while reaching out to others and society. In almost all cases I’m on the far end of Gaussian curves. To others, I am the unexpected. Which wouldn’t matter much if I weren’t aware. Sadly, others are not much aware of unexpectedness, which would help too. 🙂 I’ve more or less created my own positive feed back, although it will always be a work of progress in enjoying the process itself and life in general. I live in a place where the pace seems slower, nature is closer by, people are more relaxed about each other and like I am currently doing, I can sit outside pondering things.

Concluding

I started off by mentioning surprises. A nice surprise is my finding even more joy to living here, than expected. I even have to avoid wallowing in it. It will not only be curiosity keeping my mood afloat anymore.